the danger of love

"To love at all is to be vulnerable [--living with your heart open.]  Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it careful round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe...in the coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, un-penetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers...of love is Hell." (C.S. Lewis).

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All my life, I have struggled with rejection, but the past several years have been especially difficult. I have lost many friends in that time, for a variety of reasons. Each time I wonder why God allowed this person into my life if (s)he was going to leave me in the end. Recently, I stumbled across an old email (ironically from a former friend), that explained how people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

"When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die, sometimes the walk away, sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered, and now it is time to move on.

“Some people come into your life for a season, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it—it is real. But only for a season.

"Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.”

Sometimes the pain of loss and betrayal has been so great, that every ounce of me wanted to shut down. You can only be rejected so many times before the pain becomes unbearable. Last year, I began to deal with, and grieve a lifetime of pain. Many times, I felt like sitting in the safety of my self-created hell, as opposed to risk the hell of having my heart broken yet again; however, the thing about locking up your heart is that it's a very lonely place to be. Eventually the pain of being alone is worse than the pain of rejection. Despite my sadness, anger, and brokenness, I am learning to forgive. And I am learning to live again.

However painful it might be, I want to take the risk to live with my heart open. Along with all the friends I lost, there have been a few who have stuck by me, despite life happening and circumstances changing. For every friendship that ended because we grew up, moved away, or moved on, another was forged. For every friend who lied, gossiped, and betrayed me, I can count another who was truthful, encouraging, and loyal. While many of my friendships have been of the reason variety, I dare to hope that a few of them will be for a lifetime.  And unless I live with my heart open, I will never know.